


please say that you won’t continue

by yutamatic



Series: color me blue [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, M/M, i was in a huge whump mood, missing luwoo hours, no actual vomiting just implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutamatic/pseuds/yutamatic
Summary: Jungwoo wants control.





	please say that you won’t continue

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to melanie martinez’s new album k-12, and the song “orange juice” inspired me to write this. the hard hitting lyrics, my desire to write sad shit, and my missing luwoo mood created this one shot.
> 
> tw: bulimia

Jungwoo leans his head against the wall. Everything’s spinning. 

His throat burns. The faint taste of acid still lies in the back of his mouth. 

His eyes are barely open. Sleep sits on his eyelids, he’s so drained from taking part in his addictive cycle again.

It happens all the time. Jungwoo thinks he should be used to it by now, but when he shoves his fingers down his throat that triggers all that cheap food to come up, the burn never hurts any less.

It’s not worth it. The pain of feeling disgustingly full and so _so_ guilty, then the sting in his throat and the tears in his eyes as he throws the binge back up.

It’s control. Jungwoo craves control.

And when he can’t control his life, he takes it out on his body. It’s the only thing he has, really.

He knows it’s sick. It’s not good for his health, nor his mind, but it makes him feel like he has control over something. He can’t exactly pinpoint what it is though.

Jungwoo finally peels himself off the wall that he’s been leaning against for who knows how long, and flushes the toilet. 

He holds onto the corner of the counter to stand up. He’s immediately dizzy, and he feels a wave of nausea hit him. 

He dry heaves, nothing comes out. Of course nothing comes out, he’s rid his stomach and digestive system of everything it has.

He opens the medicine cabinet and grabs his toothbrush. He starts to brush his teeth, and the muscle memory kicks in, he doesn’t even have to think about it.

As he brushes, Jungwoo looks at himself in the mirror. He looks exhausted as hell, pale and cheeks puffy from vomiting. 

Jungwoo spits out the toothpaste and wants to scream in frustration. But he can’t, his throat is too weak. 

He hates this. He really does.

Tears fall. There’s a silent sob that barely escapes his chapped lips. 

Jungwoo can’t even look in the mirror anymore. He sinks back down to the floor, knees to his chest, and cries silently.

“Jungwoo?”

The voice makes him shudder. There’s a knock on the door.

“You in there?”

Lucas.

Jungwoo’s cloudy mind can always recognize that voice.

He tries to reply. “Yeah.” it’s quiet and squeaky, but at least there’s a sound.

“What?”

“I’m in here.” it hurts to speak. His voice sounds like there’s sandpaper in his throat. 

There’s a second of silence.

“Are you okay?” Lucas’ voice softens. 

Jungwoo wants to scream no. He’s not, not at all, but he doesn’t want to drag lucas his mess.

“Can I come in?”

His breath hitches. He doesn’t wanna be found out. 

But this secret’s been breaking him for too long. 

He manages to reach up to the door knob and unlock it. The door opens slowly.

“Oh my god.” Lucas immediately crouches down in front of Jungwoo. His hands cup Jungwoo’s sore cheeks and his thumbs wipe away some tears.

Jungwoo sobs even more, mostly silently but sometimes small squeaks and hiccups come out.

“Jungwoo,” 

Lucas slides his hands under Jungwoo’s knees and lifts him up effortlessly onto the counter. He stands in between his legs and wipes more tears away.

“What’s wrong baby?” Lucas tilts his head.

Jungwoo melts at the name. He opens his mouth, but his lip is quivering so much he can only cry more.

He leans his head into the crook of Lucas’ neck, hands loosely gripping his shirt. Lucas’ arms are around him, holding him to his chest and carding his fingers through his hair.

To Jungwoo, it seems like he cried for hours (it’s only been a few minutes). But he finally looks up, he’s surprised he even has the energy to, and stares into lucas’ concerned eyes.

“What’s going on?” 

His heart cracks. Lucas’ voice is soft and on the brink of breaking.

“I...” Jungwoo tries hard to get the words out. “I made myself throw up.”

It’s barely audible. He can’t look Lucas in the eye.

“Why’d you do that?” Lucas is confused. He gently rubs circles onto the back of Jungwoo’s hands, and Jungwoo exhales a super shaky breath.

“I wanted to feel in control.”

“In control of what?”

“I don’t know.” Jungwoo buries his face into Lucas’ neck again. More tears fall, his chest is heavy with feelings he can’t identify.

Guilt? Shame? Probably both? 

It just hurts. 

“Jungwoo, look at me,”

Lucas cups his face again and lifts his head. Jungwoo’s vision is blurred with tears as he wheezes.

“I love you a lot. You know that, right?” he says gently.

Jungwoo nods.

“I don’t want you to do this again. You’re suffering, baby, and there’s risks to that I know we both can’t handle.” 

Jungwoo squeezes his eyes shut. He knows that, if he continues there’s irreversible consequences. 

“How long has this been going on?”

He opens his eyes again, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. “A couple months.”

“Oh Jungwoo,” Lucas voice breaks this time. “I didn’t even know you were going through this.” he rasps, and _fuck_, he’s crying too.

Jungwoo wails. “I’m sorry.” he whispers, and the words sting. He wants to reach up and wipe Lucas’ tears away, but he’s too weak.

“No need to apologize.” Lucas softly smiles while he wipes his own tears. “I’m always here for you, okay? Whenever you feel like doing it, just talk to me, yeah?”

Jungwoo nods, not able to verbally reply since his throat hurts so much.

“I love you.” Lucas kisses his nose. Jungwoo’s lips curl into a small  
smile.

“I love you too.” he mouths back.

Lucas lifts Jungwoo off the bathroom counter. Jungwoo clings to Lucas’ shoulders, face buried in Lucas’ shirt as he’s carried to their room.

They cuddle in their bed, Jungwoo’s head on Lucas’ chest, and Lucas’ arms wrapped tightly around him.

Jungwoo feels safe and warm. 

“I’ve got you, baby.” Lucas tenderly kisses his forehead. 

Jungwoo smiles and closes his eyes. “Thank you lucas.”

He falls asleep in the embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> my heart goes out to anyone struggling with an eating disorder. stay safe, you are loved <3


End file.
